Reclaiming her life: Jessica's journey from abuse to freedom

By Jessica*

Growing up, everything about my family looked perfect on the outside. But as a child, I suffered all kinds of abuse. As an adult, I didn't understand what healthy relationships looked like.

After years struggling with eating disorders, I found help and healing at a Christian rehab. I started going to a local church and life was good.

That's where I met my now ex-husband. He had also sought help after decades of drug abuse and was the rehab's biggest success story. I was soon head over heels in love with him - or the version of him he showed me before we married.

My ex-husband was able to manipulate and charm everyone. But behind closed doors was different.

Control begins
The coercive control started on our honeymoon.

He laid down all the rules I was now to follow as his wife. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion, or even a preference, and had to submit to everything he said.

I had to resign from my full-time job as nurse as I earnt more money than him. I had to deposit all my money into a joint account. This was the start of the extreme financial control and abuse. He gave me an allowance of $20 a fortnight.

I didn't have my own debit card and wasn't allowed my own phone. I had to ask for permission to go to the toilet, shower or even speak. I had a menu to follow, and he dictated every morsel [of] food I ate until I was starving.

Abuse intensifies
Things became even more terrifying when he was granted a gun licence, supposedly to deal with pests on the property. Instead, he killed animals to scare me. I was petrified he would shoot me. It was too easy for him to get his gun licence, and this is something I hope to see change in the future.

After five years, I was a complete shell of myself. I suffered financial, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. He had isolated me from everyone I once knew, including family and friends.

And now I was pregnant. Luckily, I saw the GP on my own. She helped me make an escape plan.

I believe my son has been the biggest gift from God. Without him, I wouldn't have found the strength to get help, escape and keep moving forward.

Getting help
I moved into The Salvation Army women's refuge, temporarily without my child.

I suffered from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and needed acute support. I was blessed to join the refuge's therapeutic intervention program, where I had both one-on-one trauma-informed counselling and group therapy.

When my son returned, I got consistent support from a counsellor who specialises in children's therapy. This support, and the therapeutic playgroup for children, really helped him heal from his experiences and, through games, we learnt how to co-regulate together. I can now calm and support him when he also gets triggered.

Family violence affects the whole family. My child is a survivor in his own right.

Holistic support
The refuge staff were my biggest advocates and cheerleaders. They cared about and believed in me. I learnt to trust people again and make friends.

I worked with a financial counsellor and started saving for a car loan. My confidence improved. I found a rental with the support of my case worker, and it's such a blessing to have a home where we can be safe and build stability and happy memories. I continue to have counselling from the therapeutic program counsellors. They have literally saved my life and given me so much hope for the future.

The effects of family violence can last a lifetime. I still struggle with shame and guilt, but I have learnt that 'shame is to be left with the perpetrators'.

In my dark moments, I call on my supports and, with weekly counselling, I am living a much brighter future and loving being a fully present mum.

Thank God for the Salvos as now I can,

"Let it flow, like a river,

Let it show, need not shiver."

 

*Name changed to protect privacy