Warcry: Mum of three
Allison Lynn remembers her little girl Jaimee.
I have always loved Mother’s Day and celebrating the day with my mum. For as long as I can remember, my dad, sister and I would go shopping together for a gift or two for mum. Mother’s Day was all about her, spoiling her and ensuring that she did not have to do any work for the day.
Once I became a mum myself it took me a while to adjust to the idea that Mother’s Day was now about me too and not just about my mum. Even though my children would present me with breakfast in bed and handmade gifts from school and kinder, for some reason I could not get my head around the fact that I was the centre of attention for the day.
I am a mum of three children, two boys, aged eight and nine, and a precious baby girl who left us when she was seven months old. Jaimee came into the world as quickly as she left it. With only a two-and-a-half hour labour, she was nearly born in the car. On the day she left us we had put her down for her sleep only to discover 45 minutes later that she would never wake up again.
My life was turned around the day we lost Jaimee. The stability of my life was shattered in an instant and I was left wondering how this could happen to us, why it happened and how I could ever move forward without her. Immobilised is one word that comes to mind about this time in my life. I had no idea how I was going to move forward and live another day without her.
After we had said our goodbyes to Jaimee at the hospital and were heading back home I heard a voice clearly say to me, that I recognised as God’s voice, ‘It’s going to be okay’. In the same moment that I heard that voice, I felt water being poured over my heart. The same sensation I remember as a child when my mum would wash my hair in the bath and pour a container of water over me to rinse the shampoo out of my hair.
I reached over to Stewy (my husband), placed my hand on his leg and said, ‘It’s going to be okay’. He just nodded and said, ‘Yeah, it will’. I knew in that moment that things would be okay, but had no idea how that would happen. I just had to trust God at his word.
I don’t know where that ability came from within me to trust God completely, but I’ve said to myself and others, ‘It’s going to be okay’, hundreds of times since Jaimee’s death. Not just about my circumstance, but about theirs too.
I believe that in the bigger scheme of things, everything will be okay. The way I see it is, if God is everything he says he is and has revealed himself to me through the Bible, through other people and through my personal relationship with him, then I just have to trust him. Otherwise I would make myself and my faith out to be foolish, fake and not worth anything.
As I chose to put my trust in God, that immobilising feeling started to leave me as I slowly started to adjust to my new life without Jaimee. I was able to move forward and get on with life.
On my first Mother’s Day without Jaimee (only five weeks later), I was swamped with love and tears by so many caring people. I bravely faced that day knowing in my heart that everything would be okay.
A few Mother’s Days later, I received a flower from a young girl at church. She said the flower was from Jaimee, thanking me for being her mum. I was so touched.
My little girl was in heaven, and even though I no longer had responsibility for her on earth, I was still her mum. I did not have to worry about her growing up, her education, her first boyfriend or any of the other concerns that parents worry about. Equally I would not have the opportunity to see her grow up and experience life as I have.
That simple flower reminded me that my daughter is still my daughter. As an eternal being, loved and created by God, she now lives with God forever. Until then I trust each day of my life to God, walking in relationship with him and hoping that I will also spend eternity with him where Jaimee and I will be reunited and I can physically be her mother again.
Mother’s Day has never been the same for me as I now enjoy being celebrated as a mother to my two boys on earth and also as mother to a beautiful girl who is waiting for me in eternity.
Other stories from Warcry
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